Making Babies & Casey James
Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 8:59AM You know, some days I've just go so many things rambling around in my head that it's dfficult to just talk about one thing. I'd kinda made up my mind yesterday what I needed to get out of my head and onto my computer screen, but then I watched American Idol and all that got shot to hell.
First of all, I absolutely HATE IT when people blog about TV shows. I really do. I don't care which Bachelorette you like. I don't care if this season's Lost is totally off the hook. I don't care. Because if I cared, I' watch the damn show. And if I watched the damn show, I wouldn't need to read about it on your blog, now would I?
And here I am. Doing what I hate. I am just going to try to be as succinct as possible in an effort not to be a complete and total hypocrite. I love Casey James. Love him. Love. Love. Love. Don't care if the boy can sing or not (which he appears to be able to do). I mean, what can I say? The boy is HOT. I have a total thing for tall, blue-eyed, blondes. I mean, have you SEEN my husband? Yum. Casey James is just a little younger fantasy version of the hubs. I mean, The Candyman's got his thing for tall, curly-headed brunettes. Fair is fair, right? I Googled Casey James (sadly there is also a giant-titted porn star by the same name) this morning and the boy has done time too. Oh, that makes it even better. My sweet little crooner is a bad boy. If you don't watch The Idol, good for you. It's best not to get sucked in. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go here and see (or listen).
OK, it's out of my system now. I think I did a good job of not rambling on too much about the hotness.
And back to our regularly scheduled post....
Yesterday I had my annual visit to the crotch doctor. So. Much. Fun. I swear, I think the two worst combined words of all time are, "Scoot down. Scoot down. Scoot down." Nobody wants to scoot down. NOBODY. I'm sure men don't want to hear the dreaded "Turn your head and cough" thing either, but come one - we totally get the short end of the stick (or rather, speculum) on this one, right? So invasive. However, I happen to have the loveliest OBGYN ever and her bedside manner rocks. Her intrusions are always apologetic and quick, yet totally thorough. Love her. However, yesterday I wanted to smack her.
My last appointment with her was a year ago and The Candyman and I were still engaged. She asked if we had talked about kids and I told her we hadn't decided. She discretely handed me some information regarding pregnancy at an advanced age. Wait. I mean, hold up. What? That lasted about a second as I stuffed the thing in my bag. I took the pamphlet home, thumbed through it, handed it to The Candyman who did the same and we threw it away. I mean, I was planning a wedding for God's sake. One thing at a freakin' time.
So yesterday my OBGYN asks me again about the baby-making plans. I tell her we still haven't decided.
And seriously, we haven't.
I've read a lot of articles and books about marriage and pre-marriage discussions and they all say that you should be on the same page with your honey on kids. You need to agree that you both want them or you both need to agree that you don't.
But what if you're not sure? Some people have warned me, "If you're not sure now, you shouldn't have them. You'd know by now if you wanted them." Really? Says who? You? Oprah? Dr. Phil? My Dad? I mean, seriously. I didn't have the blinding urge to get married and I did and I love it. Just because I'm not dazed like a deer in headlights by the need to procreate doesn't mean that I wouldn't love my kid any less if I got knocked up, right? But all those nagging comments really start to get to me sometimes.
Should we rush to have a kid just because (insert reason of your choice here)? Now to me, that's dumb. I've got a handful of friends who rushed into marriage in their early to mid-twenties. Now divorced. With kids. Yeah, they may have talked about the fact that they wanted kids, but did they really know enough about each other or themselves to get married? Who gets to lecture whom now? Not me, that's for sure. Why? Because you can't lecture your now-divorced friends that they made a dumb-ass decision 15 years ago by marrying the jack-ass they married as well as making me wear a hideous dress at their wedding. However, many of the same have been lecturing me for years. It kind of makes me want to do a "shoe is on the other foot" dance. Mean? Yeah, a little.
OK, so back to the doctor's appointment. I'm sitting there, post-exam in my stylin' paper gown (which now comes with a snazzy, shiny plastic belt - I tied mine in a pretty bow) and the doc asks me if we've made a decision about kids yet. I tell her no. And she's all, "Um. You might want to get on that."
Excuse me? Am I getting shit from my DOCTOR about kids? From my mom, I get it (although she is so not going there, which I totally appreciate even though I know she is so chomping at the bit for grand babies), but from my OBGYN? So I look at her, raise an eyebrow and say, "Is there a rush?" That's when she starts in on the advanced age crap and I know she has a point. She is concerned for my well-being based on the startling increasing chances of a high-risk pregnancy with every passing day. I mean, check out this info from The March of Dimes:
A woman’s risk of having a baby with certain birth defects involving chromosomes (the structures in cells that contain genes) increases with age. Down syndrome is the most common chromosomal birth defect. Affected children have varying degrees of mental retardation and physical birth defects. A woman’s risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is:
- At age 25, 1 in 1,250
- At age 30, 1 in 1,000
- At age 35, 1 in 400
- At age 40, 1 in 100
- At 45, 1 in 30
- At 49, a 1 in 10
I mean, holy shit! Those are some pretty heinous looking numbers. Nobody wants a baby with birth defects and I'm not going to get into a whole discussion here about the right to life or abortion or anything like that, but damn - I'm just not sure how I feel about the potential outcome if we do decide to get preggers.
What I can't imagine right now is how we'd ever fit having a kid into our crazy, hectic life. I mean, I barely have time to think as it is. I have a lot of questions: what do we do with the kid when we go to work? I don't like the idea of day care centers. Could we even afford a nanny? Does one of us give up our careers? How the hell does that work? The Candyman and I were at Borders last weekend and I went to the baby/pregnancy section to see if there were any books about thinking about having a baby. Not a one. So I tried the self-help section. Nope, nothing. I mean, come on people! Having a kid is a ginormous decision and there isn't ONE BOOK out there about it? Lots of books about trying to get pregnant and what to do when you're pregnant and how to feel when you're pregnant and even what to do after you're pregnant. Where is the book that I need: "The Pros and Cons of Baby Making?" or "Kids: Should You or Shouldn't You?" Seriously.
So I told my OBGYN that if I wasn't pregnant within the next 18 months, that we probably would not get pregnant, or we'd consider adoption. This made her happy. I told The Candyman all about it. He thinks we should just get some dogs. I think he might be right.
I know a lot of brides out there are probably not thinking about this issue right now. Should you? I don't know. I certainly didn't when I was younger. Should I have? I don't know that either. I feel like if I don't have a kid that there might be something really great that we're missing out on. Then again, if we decided to get pregnant and I couldn't, how would I feel about that? Would I suddenly think of it as some weird goal and go the crazy-infertility route? I don't think I'd do that. At least I hope I wouldn't. No, I don't think I would. I've seen what that can do to people and it's heart-breaking.
Several years before I met The Candyman, I got into it with a family member regarding marriage and parenthood. Their platform was because I was single and childless, I had never known true joy. Um, what? I pretty much told my family member that they could fuck off real hard and real quick. At the dinner table, in front of the whole damn family. It wasn't pretty, but I was pissed. Now that I'm married I can look back at that situation and know that my family member was indeed, full of shit. Marrying The Candyman was absolutely joyful. The whole day was definitely in the top three of the best days of my life. Runner's up? Completing my first marathon. Standing in front of the statue of the goddess Nike at The Louvre. Climbing The Great Wall of China. Walking into the Taj Mahal. Those things have brought me immense joy, the kind of joy that my family member will most likely never-ever-ever know. I'd love for The Candyman to see and experience those joyful things too. Can you go do that stuff with a kid on your hip? I would think it would be hard. Must one sacrifice one particular kind of joy for another? Would we be tempting fate/reality if we attempted to do it all?
And here we are back at the very beginning. I just don't know. The Candyman and I already tempt fate because we don't um, you know, practice safety. The Candyman thinks babies "just happen." I'm tempted to adopt that line of thinking and just go with the flow and see what happens.
In the meantime, I'm also considering this:
It's a Welsh Corgi. I think these dogs are so cute. The Candyman wants a Great Dane. In fact, he wasnt TWO Great Danes. We have some discussing to do - clearly - on several topics.
What do you think? About the baby thing, not the Welsh Corgi. I can figure that one out on my own.
Designer, TruLu Couture
Blogger. Wife. Smart Ass.
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Reader Comments (14)
This may be the book you are looking for: http://www.amazon.com/Maybe-Baby-Infertility-Childlessness-Ambivalence/dp/B002ECEG2U/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267114383&sr=8-3. I haven't read it, but it's sitting in the Kindle.
Your doc's response was a little flip, but I actually this (beside you and your husband), she's the one of the few who should push the kids question, since I'm sure she's seen it all and the medical/physical issues can get so tough as we get older. I have seen lots of women get the "oh, wait on kids, you have time" talk too often when that's not always the case. Best case, her "you should get on that" would refer to getting on to making a decision, rather than getting on to having kids, which obviously isn't best for everyone.
I like the Corgi. :)
L,
I loved this post, too. Although these things may get talked about in the beginning of a relationship or they are just "assumed", it is a big topic that all engaged couples should discuss: Should we or shouldn't we have children and when? So, kudos to you for bringing it up for the blog world!
Good luck to you both whatever you decide to do.
- N
My fiance and I both want kids and we're both on the same page about how many (2) however we do disagree on when to start trying. I would like to start trying about a year after we're married, he wants to wait 2-3 years. He keeps forgetting that it typically gets harder to have kids the older the woman gets so I may end up winning that battle but who really knows what will happen after we're married.
That's a very cute dog! And I really do like Bachelor recaps. Helps me remember some parts I might have forgotten (cough fallen asleep during) because its so close to my 10pm bedtime...
Ugh! We are dealing with this issue, too. I wish I was one of those people who just KNEW that I wanted kids - or equally knew that I did not (like my friend who got a vasectomy when he was 26). But we're both some where in that vast grey middle, and we don't have forever to figure out what we want to do. I wish you clarity!
I love this. I love, love, love, LOVE this. It's crazy how many people believe that without marriage and children, you can never be truly happy. Like cranking out some progeny is the pinnacle of achievement and if you choose not to do this, there's something wrong with you. This is one of the areas where I wish people would step back and learn to accept and respect others' choices.
That being said, we've discussed having kids but I flip flop between being mildly interested in them and being terribly turned off by the idea. I do worry about the age thing (it's a highly valid point), but I resent the pressure that's put on us to make a decision by _____ (fill in appropriate deadline here) or WE WILL HAVE NOTHING IN OUR LIVES AND WE CAN NEVER GO BACK AND AREN'T WE SAD THAT WE DIDN'T MAKE BABIES WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE.
Sigh.
There's definitely something to be said for the Welsh Corgi.
I wrote about this today too! Maybe because I'm another 30 something bride, but my OB made the same comment. And I totally hear you about the give and take in making the decision. If it helps any, my BF and her husband are avid travelers, even with a 1 year old (and another on the way). They either take her with them (she's already been to France twice!) or they leave her with her grandparents (though never for a longer than a week or so). I guess some people would say that makes them bad parents, but I think it's awesome, and gives me hope.
L, we could talk about this a ton offline! I've been thinking about this a lot too but we have decided that we want to have kids. It was a combination of a little bit of everything - seeing his large, fun extended, family, wanting to create a new life that hopefully has the best of us, wanting to have a next generation that could play with the kids of my family and friends.
Anyway, I wasn't always this way. Like last year I wasn't this way. But it slowly changed and though I'd like to wait 5 years because I am selfish and want to pick up and go to Spain on a whim (and we did that!), I am fully cognizant of the health risks. My friend who is a doctor explained those Down's risks to me. It's darn depressing. But a few mom friends have told me that they also advocate having kids ASAP so that you have enough energy to play with your kids. All valid reasons.
I said this to my brother yesterday and he said it would have been fun to have kids in your early 20s so they'd be out of the house when you were in your early 40s. That would have been fun too. But then I said "What if they still live with you then?" That would be a different story.
I hate this debate. Last year, a stranger told me I was so selfish because I didnt want to have kids. I was all like, so? As a former foster child, I know that adoption is a very viable option, so I am not concerned about the passing of the years. I don't want to have children right now until I am in my mid-30s and have my career and life somewhat figured out. The guy is mostly sympathetic to this notion, so I hope it will work out. Kids are an option, not a mandate.
Wow... I have never seen those stats before... scary!
I think I could have sat on that fence for a really long time--maybe forever--if my accidental pregnancy had not knocked me off of it.
Your post inspires a lot of thoughts in me, but I am always hesitant to state opinions about babies and/or parenting practices. So, for now, I'll just say that I like my kids AND I like my dog.
I have a very set opinion on this matter.
You should have kids.
Not because of your age or because I have kids or because you will regret it if you don't or because your life will somehow been unfulfilled if you don't.
No, I think you should have kids because you are good people and I think good people should have kids and therefore fill the world with more good people.
I can see them...A little (albeit tall) curly girl in clothes that are so much cooler than all her other preschool pals garb. She knows where China is and how to make hush puppies. She will use big words and have good comebacks. She will think yoga is silly and be bad at cleaning up and that will drive you nuts, but that's okay because she'll grow up to be a fashion designer and all her fashion friends will give you free bags and shoes. Isn't she cute? And your little boy? Well his good manners will charm the socks off everyone in line behind you at the Piggly Wiggly. He will love music and dance like a white boy. He will outgrow his pants every other month and beg you for a dog, which will drive you nuts, but that's okay because he'll grow up to be a vet and take care of your cats. Isn't he sweet?
Yes, Lulu, I think you should have kids and give them delicious names and experiment with making your own baby food and cloth diapers (and then at 10 pm after a rough day go to the store and buy Gerber and Pampers). I think you should decide to learn everything you can about baby sleep cycles but then never read the books because the day they showed up from Amazon, that baby starting sleeping through the night. I think you should get that feeling you get when you catch a yawn from your baby for the first time.
It's just my opinion, but like I said, it's set. I think you would be a GREAT mom and you can't change my mind :)
First, I totally just read that whole post. Let's start with kudos to me. :) Second, did you ever get my email like fa-eva ago about going to lunch? The email I said I'd email? Write a lady back. Third, check out my new and permanent blog at blahggy.com.
And, fourth, (not in order of importance), oy, babies. Well, I'm 6 months along and most of the time I'm really excited and some of the time I go, "Holy shit," and I feel trapped. But mainly, I'm excited. Not to make it all about me, but there's no other experience I can speak from. (I do love what the person above me wrote, though.) Everything I have heard just makes it sound like it's such an amazing experience. And, when Tom and I got our dog almost two years ago, we had several discussions about how we felt our hearts growing, our capacity for love had expanded and it was awesome. If that happened with our little mutt, I can't imagine what having your own child must do to your heart. I can also see how it can make you a better person - that part of you that's got a higher calling but we're currently to lazy to rise up to meet it. I think we'll be reaching for that more with a child.