Choose Your Legacy

This evening, I write this post with a bit of a heavy heart. I'm going to try to get where I need to go in a round about way, so I request patience until I get there. I write like I talk and as I'm sure The Candyman can confirm, my way from point A to B tends to be a meandering route at times.

Tabbs, I'm sorry I didn't answer your call, I was on the phone with my friend Barb from LA and you'll understand why I didn't answer or feel much like talking later. Barb and I go way back and she is a dear, dear friend. When I lived in LA, I was far from my east coast family, worked retail and could never get home for the holidays. I missed many Christmases, Thanksgivings and Easters since all  those holidays are surrounded by massive shopping days and well, when you work retail management, you work. Period.

I don't really remember how it happened exactly. How Barb and I became friends, that is. I don't think she liked me much (we were co-workers) and I never paid much attention to her. Something happened to change the tides though and suddenly, we were friends. Boom. Just like that. She invited me to her house one holiday, knowing I'd be flying solo. In all honesty, I was dreading it. I'd played that role before - the token Misfit Toy invited to a family affair. Gawd, that sucks. Families get drunk and fight at the holidays. Oh, yes they do. I have born witness to MANY such instances. But you know what? I think I'd rather watch a round of family feud  than eat solo on Thanksgiving. But Barb's family wasn't like that. Or maybe they were and I just felt so at home I never noticed. It doesn't matter, they became my second family. My family away from family. I fought with Barb's sister just as Barb did. Her mom Linda taught me how to make a kick-ass Sherry Cake and that you should DEFINITELY drink while you cook. Her dad Harold taught me a little about gardening. Her sister Nancy taught me a LOT about gardening. It was just a great family to be around, faults and all. You might remember me telling you a little about Barb here. She was the person behind my something borrowed.

This is us on my wedding day. She'd just given me her Dad's ancestor's wedding band to tie into my bouquet!

A few years ago, Barb's mom died of cancer. I found out the day before I was leaving to go on an overseas trip and there was no way I could go to the funeral. It totally sucked. Today, Barb called me and told me Harold is super-sick with the cancer. It's way advanced and in several locations. I want to be strong for Barb, but my heart is just breaking. I so wish I could be there for my friend to give her the hug she needs and the support she deserves. Barb hasn't had it too easy herself. She was injured at work almost a decade ago and she's had multiple surgeries, including a spinal surgery to try to rectify the situation, all to no true avail. She's had a parade of lawyers and simply horrid people offering her paltry sums of money to make her go away. I don't know, how much is ten years of your life worth to you? $40K? Yeah. Me either. The fact that she was able to get to my wedding was a miracle in and of itself. I honestly can't imagine getting married without her - as selfish as that may sound. She is my touchstone and just a damn fine person all around. She's the person I can scream GOD DAMMIT to and in the very next breath discuss theology, religion, loving God and how we pray. There is no judgement, no second-guessing, no hidden agendas - only friendship tried and true.  

Since Barb has been in and out of hospitals and in various stages of health, she's leaned on her Dad a lot. Harold has been taking care of her and today, she was riddled with guilt. She feels like she should have noticed he was sick. She should have tried harder to get him to go to the doctor for regular check-ups. She should have been taking care of HIM, not the other way around. I'm smiling through my tears as I write this, because it's just so funny. Aren't people funny? A daughter is injured, a father cares for her. Or course! A father is ill, a daughter nurses him in his time of need. Of course! But the guilt we place on ourselves when the curve balls come is so interesting. I did my best to ease her of her unnecessary guilt. She said that her heart and her head weren't exactly communicating clearly with each other. I'm not sure mine are speaking the same language right now either so I think I get it.

I consider myself lucky that I have both parents still healthy and living and that I haven't ever lost anyone in my immediate circle. My posse remains in tact and I'm eternally grateful to The Big Guy for keeping it so. The Candyman hasn't been as lucky in his life. He's a regular when it comes to losing loved ones. The man knows how to professionally grieve. I don't. I'm terrified of what will happen when I lose someone on my team. I have a feeling I'm going to lose my fucking mind, if I'm being completely honest. Losing Barb's mom hit close to home, but I still think I'm in denial about it. When Barb mentions her mom in the past tense, I have to remind myself she's gone. In my mind's eye I see her forever with a full smile on her face, elbow deep in a mixing bowl of food, calling out directions to those helping in the kitchen. I try not to think about the thin woman in the rented hospital bed who decided to spend her last days at home with her family close by. I don't let myself remember that. I just can't.

So in order to NOT think about it, I took my dreaded O Magazine and headed to the tub. I was reading this month's damn Suze Orman article. She gets on my nerves fairly consistently, but like a midget on a unicycle, I just can't not look. The article is 10 Priceless Strategies for the Next Decade. And as an aside, is S-U-Z-E pronounced SOOZE or SUSIE? I hate when people eff with name spelling like that. I actually knew a Gynipher. It's JENNIFER, people! That stupid-ass spelling does NOT make your name unique, it makes it stupid-ass. I'm just sayin'. So anyway, I get to SOOZE's last financial tip and it's this:

Choose your legacy. This is all about the deathbed test. Will loved ones describe you in terms of what you bought for yourself, or will they talk about who you were and how fiercely you loved? Make that question your guidepost, and I will 100 percent guarantee that life will be richer than you can imagine.

And you know what I thought? "I need to blog about this." Honest to God, I did. Why? Because it all just came full circle: what I write in this blog nearly every day, how I struggle with myself sometimes and how I remember Barb's mom in the most wonderful of ways. Their home was not a rich home in terms of things, but it certainly was rich in so  many other ways: always welcoming, always full of friends and family, always a place to take your sick, wounded or stray animals for care and love.  And yes, I'm relating this to planning a wedding. To the brides who read this who are stressing over little things like the bows on the bouquets and the font on the place cards. Choose your legacy. The more meaningful the union, the more you will be remembered for it. I'm not saying you shouldn't care about your fonts (I just loves me some Sloop ScriptOne!) , just try not to obsess.  For in reality, your wedding is one day. And that guy in the tux? He might one day get sick or you might, or his brother might or something could happen and the font will be a forgotten thing.  But what you will have is the memory of the love you defined and committed to on that one day. 

And in the meantime, if you pray, please add my dear friend Harold and his family into them. And if you're not the praying kind, then send out some positive vibes of health and happiness and love into the universe. Those vibes are bound to land somewhere and if it's even CLOSE to my California friends, I'd be one happy chick.  

Choose your legacy. Remember the love.

Post Script: I slept on this post before I decided to go live with it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it at all. As other bloggers might attest to, sometimes you need to "write it to get through it." I am thankful every day for the the ability to do that! This is indeed a wedding blog that shows pretty pictures and gives advice and is often times totally snarky. But this is also MY blog and sometimes the rants and the tears and the snarkiness and the funny happens. It's all part of life and I think sharing is an OK thing to do. Others may disagree (including my husband) and that's OK.  But in some small way, I hope that the way I write through my thought processes is beneficial to others. At the very least, it's beneficial for me! It's why I started blogging in first damn place. :)

Comments

[cupcake wedding]

This is really hard to do, especially for someone like me who doesnt often think before I say something horrible. Thanks for the reminder.

[Louise]

@Cupcake - I too am missing a filter. I try to install a new one every three months or so, but sometimes I forget or it's a particularly dirty month - you know. Stuff lies out of my face and off my finger tips before I've completely thought it through. :)

[Dancy]

I just found your blog through another and I have to say I really enjoy this post. I try to apply this to our relationship actually, it helps me to let the little things go. I used to get really ticked off when the Mr. left his socks NEXT to the laundry basket, not IN it - little things like that. But ya know what? Somewhere out there, there's an old woman who misses her husband's socks thrown next to the hamper, his snoring, the way he steals the comforters at night, etc.
P.S. - your friend's father will be in my prayers on Sunday.

[Tabitha]

Louise you don't have to apologize for not answering - things come up. I know it wasn't personal and after we chatted briefly today you have even less reason for apologizing.

Sending vibes, prayers, thoughts and positivity to you, Barb and Harold.

[Becca]

My thoughts are with Barb, Harold and You. The love is the most important thing we'll take away from our weddings and into our lives, and it sounds like you've been truly blessed in your "second" family. I'm hoping they'll start to see some blessings from all the love they've put into the world too.

[Chic 'n Cheap Living]

It's your blog and your prerogative to include what you want. I've always loved your honesty L (way more than I'm willing to put out there). My thoughts are with Barb and Harold and their family. Long live the legacy.