The Bane of My Existence: Automation.

There is nothing more excruciatingly exhausting than moving. I think my current exhaustion is exacerbated by complete morons. Allow me to elaborate.

When we cut the deal for my house, the buyer wanted a 9/3/2010 closing date. A-OK with us! So the realtor set that up with the title/escrow company who later emailed me requesting highly personal information via email. They needed to get my payoff amount from my mortgage company Uh, hi! Wrong.  No, I will NOT email you my Social Security number and I don't give a flying fuck who you work for. And what kind of financial institution actually requests info via email like that? Already, I am suspect.

So I ended up calling the chick and working out what we needed. I had asked her and my realtor about what happens with my mortgage payments, my home owner's association fees and all the other bullshit you have to deal with when you buy/sell a house. I was told that it would all be handled by them. Excellent. One less thing, right?

So yesterday (August 30th) I receive a letter from my mortgage company dated August 25th stating that a payoff amount had been requested and if it was anything other than a refinance situation, that I needed to contact them within FOUR business days to request the cancellation of my auto-draft payments. I close on September 3rd. For those of you not willing to do simple math in your blog reading (and I totally get that), yesterday was LESS than four business days.

So I call the mortgage company anyway and try to cancel the auto-draft. The person I spoke with was in India. I got so pissed because:

A) I couldn't understand her. Now, I understand LOTS of accents. I can muddle my way through a conversation in broken English like nobody's business. I speak ChinEnglish (Chinese + English) and HindEnglish (Hindi + Englsh) for crissakes. Fluently. So the fact that I couldn't understand her means that bitch did NOT have a command of the English language that was grand enough to talk to people about their freakin' mortgages. CitiMortage? You FAIL.

B) Why the fuck was I attempting to Swiffer the kitchen floor after two solid days of packing and loading all of our crap AND talk to some Indian lady when this shit should have been taken care of by the title company?

C)Why couldn't the mortgage company do the simple math it takes to know that by the time I get the damn letter, my four required days will be GONE? Oh wait, I know! The more money they can get from a person and hold onto for  ANY period of time means more interest for them. Fuckers.

OK, so I end up hanging up on the Indian lady because she was much like an American: when I told her that I couldn't understand her, she spoke exactly the same, only LOUDER. Stupid.

Then I called the title and escrow lady. She's all, "Well if the draft posts by the first of the month, or even on the second, I can request another payoff amount and we can still close on the third." Being the well-prepared woman I am I ask, "What if it doesn't? What happens if my mortgage drafts in full for the month of September? Then what?"

Complete. Silence.

Then....

"Well, that's why I always write my checks out and never leave anything to automation. You just never know!"

What I Said in My Head:

"Listen you fucking twat, I don't give a rat's ass what you do. I travel for a living. To foreign countries. For extended periods of time. I can't just stop in the middle of Delhi and write out my little Bank 'o America check and drop it in the little dark blue postal box on the corner and know that my check will be delivered to CitiMortage no later than the 5th of each month. Even if the little blue postal box existed (which they don't, just in case you don't know), I'd have to dodge a starving cow to do so, at the very least (which I actually had to do once to get to an ATM)."

What I Actually Said:

"Aweome. So happy for you. What happens if it doesn't draft?"

Title Twat:

Again, silence. Then,

"I guess you'll be paying more than you should at closing."

In My Head:

"Here it comes. Here it comes! Wait for it! Wait for it!"

Out of My Mouth:

"And?"

Title Twat: 

"That would be bad."

In My Head:

GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of My Mouth:

*Dripping with sarcasm* "That's right! And so how can we avoid this?"

From that point on she was basically worthless and I couldn't get off the phone fast enough. So I called my bank to attempt to stop the bank draft. That chick was way cool and smart and was totally nice and helpful, but was unable to actually stop the draft because it had already been submitted, though not posted. I spoke with my realtor today and it appears that if it drafts we can work around it - unless the closing laws change before Friday, which apparently could totally happen.

So if all that wasn't annoying enough, I get an email today from DirectTV telling me that my monthly bill will draft on September 13th. You know the account? The account that I put on suspension 2 weeks ago starting on 8/30? Yes, that account. They want to auto-draft for next month. On a suspended account. Another phone call. More automation. Less stupidity and less "in my head" conversations, but aggravating nonetheless.

I have a simple question: WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID? I do what I'm supposed to do. I cancel accounts, I write down cancellation numbers, I follow the rules. Yet, I am still tormented and plagued by the idiocy of automation and foreign call centers.

My sanity is teetering on the brink of "PRESS ONE FOR ACCOUNT BALANCE. PRESS TWO FOR PAYMENT. PRESS THREE TO REQUEST SERVICE." What happens when I need option 27.63? WHAT DO I PRESS THEN?

Tomorrow's post might be more uplifting. Check back and we'll see. Tonight begins my new living digs sans The Candyman.  He's only been goine a few hours and I already miss him soooooo much. Lame. The next two months are going to suck.

This is how I feel:

Source

Comments

[Karen]

Damn girl. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that shizzle. I feel you on the automation and call centers, I had the joy of dealing with Delta Airlines' call center for 4 hours trying to get home from visiting family this weekend. If it helps, I'm cracking the frick up at Title Twat *snort*!

[Marie]

I don't want to laugh. I really, REALLY don't want to laugh. But that convo with the "Title Twat"? Hilarious. People are stupid, and I'm sorry you're in the middle of meeting all of them this week :( Sending lots of good vibes your way!

[Jenny- Adventures Along The Way]

I don't think I have ever commented, but I have been reading your blog for months. I just wanted to say I hope these things get worked out soon and without added frustration. Though I have never owned a house or attempted anything like this, I hate this type of stuff and having to deal with it all when things go wrong . Yuck. This kind of thing makes me want comfort food.... I hope things improve quickly.