Budget Bashing?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 12:37PM I’ve been thinking a lot about the hullabaloo that happened last week here on T30SB. I’ve read through all the comments over on Wedding Wire. Lots of people think I was wrong to comment and some folks supported me here on this blog, fewer on Wedding Wire. I knew when I hit the “submit” button that I’d end up with a shit storm of negativity and I was right. Not that creating a shit storm was my intent, mind you. Nor the negativity. There are times however, that I must write what I feel and that’s what I did.
What I saw afterwards is what compels me to write today’s post. It’s the thread of comments that happened on Wedding Wire afterwards as well as some comments made here on that post. The issue? Brides verbally beating the shit out of each other over the cost of a gown.
As I understood it, the original poster was hurt because her friend slammed her inexpensive gown. I think everyone can agree that kind of comment can hurt. Then someone slammed me saying that my $1300 was a waste of money for something I wore for half a day.
So wait a minute. Let me get this right. It’s NOT okay to slam someone for having an inexpensive gown but it IS okay to slam someone for having an expensive gown? How does that work?
I did some quick research. The Bridal Association of America listed the average cost of a wedding gown to be $1505 in 2006 (most recent info from them). The Knot and The Wedding Channel did a survey and in 2010 listed the average cost to be $1099. I got married in 2009, so the trending down of the price of a gowns puts me right about average, methinks. But this isn’t about me defending the price of my gown. It really isn’t.
What I want to talk about is why the cost of my gown matters? Or why the cost of anyone’s gown other than yours is important? My knee jerk response to this is that we’re jealous. We spend too much time on the eye-candy, comparing what we want to what we can afford. Do brides start to slam one another out of sheer jealousy?
I can only look to myself for these answers at this red hot second. Yes, I had wedding envy. ALL. THE. TIME. There were so many things I wanted. I wanted the wedding on a Saturday, but we couldn’t find a venue we could afford to do so. So we had it on a Sunday. I wanted to wear Louboutins. Silly, but true. I wanted letterpress. I wanted garden roses and ranunculus. I wanted I wanted I wanted. But, I did what I could afford and it ended up being fantastic for us, letterpress be damned.
I think we’re all quick to judge certain weddings. One of my besties got married ( you can see her Unfake Wedding recaps here, here, here and here) and the budget for my wedding could fit in the back pocket of the budget for her wedding. Her gown cost more than my entire reception. Now, am I mad at her for that? Do I think she’s stupid for spending that much money? Do I judge her for the vintage car that delivered her to the ceremony? Do I begrudge her the vodka ice luge? Of course not! First of all, she’s my friend. I’m happy she found the love of her life. I’m happy she got her dream wedding. Was I a little jealous? Of course!
Because she’s my friend I am privy to certain info. I know that her parents had been saving for her wedding since she was born. I know Marie herself saved for it. For her and her family, weddings matter. The celebration mattered. But what matters to one bride, may not matter to another, budget or no.
The only time I might personally pass judgment on a bride is of she and/or her family went into serious debt for a wedding. In this day and age, I don’t believe that’s the right thing to do. I certainly wouldn’t tell a bride I was thinking that because it’s really none of my damn business.
Which brings us back to the question. Why are brides lashing out at each other over the cost of a wedding? So you think it’s stupid to spend a lot of money on a gown. OK, you don’t have to. But WHY lash out at someone who does? Because it doesn’t fit into your personal belief system or idea of what a wedding budget should be?
Message boards are a snapshot. They don’t tell you what a person’s financial situation is, what they’re relationship status is. It goes back to a post I wrote a long time ago about things that happen behind closed doors. We can’t look at a snapshot, at someone from the outside and think we know it all. I know I’m guilty of this still, though I write about it. I try not to. I try to remember that I don’t know a person simply from a post on Facebook or what I see of a friend’s marriage from the night we had out together. How can we as brides (me, as a former bride) be so thoughtless to one another? And perhaps the defense of myself and the post I wrote was thoughtless (Yes, yes. I know there are many of you who think so.). I haven’t come to that conclusion yet though because I did put a lot of thought into it and how I felt, so my personal jury is still out.
It just doesn’t seem right though, this back and forth about what’s right, stupid, meaningful or otherwise. Is there something I’m missing that explains this away? Tell me, what are your thoughts on budget bashing?
Designer, TruLu Couture
Blogger. Wife. Smart Ass.
12 Comments Share Article Email Article Print Article tagged Brides, Budget Permalink
Reader Comments (12)
I am wondering why - unless there is extreme, extreme provocation - why one person (any person, doesn't matter if they are a bride) would deliberately say anything to hurt another. Or lash out at another. Sometimes we hurt when we don't mean to, of course. But on purpose? Even if one is under stress.........
To answer flo's question indirectly, the reasons people do that sort of thing is the very reason my husband has a job in psychological research. Honestly think he should start sampling from the Wedding Wire threads. All kidding aside, I think Louise is right. There's a jealousy issue and some unrealistic expectations set up these days as a result of the immense quantity of material out there on weddings. It's overwhelming. It makes one believe they can pull off something extraordinary when the only thing that really matters is how you feel on your wedding day and that you are going into a marriage with realistic expectations - wedding be damned.
Have I ever bashed a bride's budget or choices in a public forum? No. That's her business. Have I made negative comments to my husband behind closed doors about people's wedding budgets that could have paid off our mortgage? Absolutely. However, some thoughts are just private. How I feel about what WE paid for OUR wedding is what matters. For everyone else, I just wish them the best of luck and smooth sailing. Goodness knows marriages are hard work and eventually, the wedding is a distant memory.
Of course we pass judgement. And of course it's envy. Or for the older generations it's out of frugality. For me it's both. In any case, I would never say anything hurtful to a bride or her fiance or family about the wedding, the budget, or the dress. Weddings are filled with emotions and so is money, it's just smarter to keep your thoughts to yourself.
My mom thought I was crazy to throw a wedding, she wanted me to elope. And she told me that throughout the entire 6 months I planned. And it hurt. But you know what? She ended up loving the wedding and making my cake and I think she's glad, she was just concerned about our financial situation. Sometimes it really matters where it's coming from, not just what's being said. ... But of course there are exceptions. :)
@Rachel - When it comes from family, like your mom, it seems a little bit more normal, though no more easier I'm sure! I just think that where all the stuff is coming is such an oddly negative place.
@Natosha Well said!
I've been guilty of that a few times. I "bashed" a budget was when my good friend spent $5000 on her dress and then asked me the next month to spot her $200 for her car payment. I love her, but she doesn't have much common sense. If you've got $5000 and you're totally comfortable spending it on a dress, go for it. If you don't, you're going to need to find another dress.
The other time was my husband's best friend's wedding. I wouldn't have cared, but every time they'd talk about something, they'd tell you how much they were spending on that particular item or detail. "I love my centerpieces! They're $200 a piece!" "The cake is going to be fantastic! It's from (fancy bakery) and it'll cost us $1100!" "We're borrowing jewelry from the jeweler and he's cutting us a deal. He'll sell it to us for only $4000 instead of the actual price!" It made everyone so uncomfortable and it opened them up to a lot of judgements from others (including our mutual close friend, who is their financial advisor who got drunk at the reception and kept assuring everyone that they couldn't afford any of it. This was soooooo awkward). I honestly wondered if there would be price tags hanging off of things, it was so bizarre they way they talked about the prices of things in this weird half bragging, half astonished tone. When my husband and I were getting married the following year, they'd weirdly try to get us to tell them how much things cost. It was so strange and awkward. My gran always told me not to count other people's money. But when they lay it on the table and count it for you, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. It made us so uncomfortable that when my husband and I were planning a wedding, we made a deal very early on that the only people who could see the spread sheet and know what we were spending were the two of us.
@Jamie - OK, that is weird. I know that as a blogger, I kind of want to know what people are paying for stuff - I like to compare cities, cupcakes vs. cakes, so I often ask, but in private and with promises to keep mum. In my early stages of planning I asked a friend for her spreadsheet, just to have an idea of all the expenses (I had NO idea). She did, but was SO freaky about it. Now I know why, because she married in downtown Chicago and WHOA. But to have people put out the cost of stuff like that all up in your face is a little weird. I do it here because I feel it's educational. But in private life like that? Definitely something that can make you uncomfortable.
And P.S. - I'd be pissed about floating the $200 too!
It's so easy to criticise others to make yourself feel better - human nature. I guess the TV networks decided that this competition between brides would be good TV in Australia, and aired a reality show in which brides vote on each other's weddings. 5 minutes of that cattiness was enough for me.
On money in general - we got married a few weeks ago and we certainly had a lot of comments from friends and family about how much we were spending (ie way too much in their opinions!). Juggling expectations was one of the most stressful things about the whole planning process.
I'm going to solve at least half of your problems for you right now.
"Then someone slammed me saying that my $1300 was a waste of money for something I wore for half a day."
Join Christie from Hindsight Bride and myself in our "F- it, I'm wearing it again!" movement. As soon as I get married, my $850 dress and I are going to party hearty as often as possible. I think Christie is going to, like, pump gas in hers. Go hiking. Go to the mall. Whatever. Because it is silly to never wear it again. I'm planning on having a "F-it" party for my birthday so my few married friends have an official excuse to bring their dresses out of the boxes! Liberate the dresses!
As for price, you can get one heckuva dress for under $1000. I've devoted a pinterest board to wedding dresses under $500. Check it: http://pinterest.com/theroguebride/wedding-dresses-under-500/
As for attitude, can't help you there. Women can be really mean, and they shouldn't be. I've got a friend who went $10K over her $30K budget - she bought the chiavari chairs and everything that went with'em - but does she hear a peep from me about it? Hell no! Would I ever say anything remotely negative about her choices? Not to her or anyone she knows, that's for sure. Ultimately, as much as wedding blogging is becoming my business, how other people choose to wed is not my business. Granted, I wish those who are hell-bent on spending a stupid amount of money would stop giving it to Vera Wang and find individual artists more in need of their financial support. Etsy FTW.
Oh man, I am really troubled by the ladies here who are putting the social kabash on sharing numbers and real prices. That's how the WIC wins! No, you shouldn't be shouting how much you paid for every little thing from the highest rooftop at your wedding, but please, for the love of sane pricing, talk about what you spend so other brides know what to expect, and what to reject.
The culture of "don't talk about money" makes me so sad because it's a conversation we should really be having more often. I'll tell you my budget for everything if you ask, even if you don't ask. Because I want to create a more informed populace of brides who don't just accept what the WIC is shoveling down their throats.
@RoqueBride - AH! I've had the idea of wearing the gown again too! I even went so far as to discuss a fun shoot with my photographer - to include not just me, but a handful of other marrieds in the Nashville area to join in the fun. I wanted to do a shoot with 5 or 6 of us hanging out in our gowns: shopping for chicken at Wal-Mart, pumping gas, coffee at Starbucks, taking out the trash. I mean, how fun would that be??
Love the under $500 gown board. Great idea!!
I think money, like sex and what really goes on in childbirth (and child rearing), is one of those really taboo subjects. When someone is willing to put it all out there so that others can get some idea of what to expect, people go bonkers because money values are very personal.
I don't even want to add up our costs, and it will be difficult to do anyway, since there was the wedding that didn't happen, there were crafts that we started and didn't finish, and we paid for our wedding over a two-year period. Now I'm using stuff we bought for the wedding for other things. Do they still count as wedding costs? I don't know.
Speaking of which, I need to order more cake for our holiday lights party. And damn, I wish you could be here because you would LOVE to walk our neighborhood during the holidays (and eat the cake).
"The budget for my wedding could fit in the back pocket of the budget for her wedding."
Oh my, that is an *awesome* sentence. Love it.