Wedding Favors, Revisited.
Monday, June 6, 2011 at 6:00AM *For the boys who read this blog? This is kind of an extra-girly post. You might want to pass on this one.
The last time I posted about wedding favors I stressed the edible kind. I am a big believer in favors that are instantly consumable. We all have our reasons. Me? I could care less about the wedding date after the fact, so a little reminder is something I don’t need. I hate chotsky crap, so no, I do not want a crystal clock engraved with your new initials. Lame.
At Marie’s wedding, after the averted dress crisis, we all finally settled into the lovely space for dinner and I immediately went for the favor. I was starving. Maybe the stress of sewing into a Monique Lhuillier dress made me hungry, who knows? All I know is that I ripped into that edible favor like I hadn’t eaten in ten years. I have no idea what it tasted like, just that I no longer felt faint. The Candyman asked me to put his edible favor into my purse for safe keeping. I’m all, “WHAT?!?” and he’s all, “I might be hungry later.” That was the last thought I’d given to his edible favor.
That is, until Saturday night.
I woke up Saturday morning to the lovely gift of fertility. And womanhood. And whatever else you want to fucking call it. The Candyman refers to it as “Moon Time.” I refer to it as "Hell." I swear to God, I thought these things were supposed to get less intense the older you get. I call total bullshit on that. Anyway, Saturday we had plans. We had Costco plans. I would not, could not let Moon Time interfere with my need for a jumbo bag of coffee nor 240 zip lock bags. I dosed myself with Pamprin, an extra Mobic and some Tylenol, just for good measure. By the time we made it home several hours later, I needed the couch, a lobotomy and was praying for an immaculate hysterectomy.
What I really wanted was chocolate. Badly. We had some chocolate Skinny Cows in the freezer, but that just wasn’t going to cut it so I didn’t waste my time. I ate some left-over Candyman birthday cake, but that was German chocolate cake with pecan/coconut frosting and that totally did NOT satisfy the need. I wanted dark, hard, real chocolate and there was none (NONE!) in the house. So to placate myself, I decided to take some more Pamprin and a Cyclobenzaprine (by the way, all of these are prescription meds that I’m allowed to be in possession of), take a bath and go to bed. At like 9:30pm. On a Saturday night. Nice.
So I drag my bloated, crampy, irritable self upstairs and I go to grab some comfy post-bath night clothes and out from in-between two shirts falls The Candyman’s favor from Marie’s wedding.
Did I not describe the favor? No? Very simply, chocolate cover pretzels decorated as the bride and groom. See:
Now, Marie’s wedding was at the end of April. It’s June. This happy little Bride and Groom Pretzel were simply tucked away between two t-shirts that I didn’t wear in D.C. They got put away in the closet, unnoticed, until the time when they were needed the most. The MOST. Of course I fucking ate them. I was desperate Moon Time Woman. Sheesh. After the bath, I wrote an email to Marie. I included the following list regarding her favors:
1. That little cellophane wrapper kept those suckers fresh!
2. Damn straight I ate month old weddings favors.
3. I hadn't noticed at the wedding, but Pretzel Bride had on purple fucking shoes. Like yours. Genius.
4. Pretzel Groom was definitely the better tasting of the two, but I appreciated the little sparkly sugar on Pretzel Bride.
5. I ate them both in the tub and I swear, I feel better.
She replied with the following response:
I love you.
And that is why, my dear, sweet brides, you must have edible wedding favors. You just never know when they might save a girlfriend from a self-hysterectomy or totally insanity.
I’m just sayin’.
And aren’t the little purple Pretzel Bride shoes the cutest? Here’s a sneak peek of the real shoes from the wedding! Alexander McQueen purple heart-shaped peep-toes??? I die.
Her Unfake Wedding feature is not too far away! Stay tuned!
And does anyone else need full-fledged chocolate anything during Moon Time?
Designer, TruLu Couture
Blogger. Wife. Smart Ass.
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Reader Comments (11)
I feel your pain, or rather I used to. :]
AND you have me laughing out loud!!
Chocolate ... and SALT. Chocolate covered pretzels are my go-to.
And in the interest of name sharing ... my husband refers to "Moon Time"/"Hell" as my "Dot. Which can nearly get me to forget the hell every time. Nearly.
Holy Crap....I favorited (my way of bookmarking) this little tweet last week while recovering from my not-so-immaculate hysterectomy (THANK GOD!)...and just now decided to do some clean up in the tweets I had "favorited"! You had me laughing so hard my rolly chair about flipped me out onto the floor! LOVE the favor and couldn't agree more about the chocolate! You rock!
Pain meds ... Ur doin it wrong. ADVIL (Ibuprofen) for cramps. Trust me. I am an expert. ;)
Yes, to edible favors for people who decide to do favors.
Fun fact (and by that, I mean terrible evil fact): I am now allergic to alleve (naproxin) and advil (ibuprofen). This makes my moontime sheer effing hell. So yes, I eat hardcore chocolate. Fudgy dark stuff is obviously the best, but I would also be happy with month-old chocolate covered pretzels in the middle of my misery.
those shoes rock!
Sorry about the cramps. I usually get beat up for saying this, but exercising, or at least stretching always chases mine away.
@Chelle - how bad was it - I'm supposed to have one (various prolapses and hernias) but I'm putting it off!!!!!!!
Anyway Lou, I would not have hesitated to eat those old pretzels either. Last week I swallowed a medium sized brownie whole so I wouldn't have to share it with the three little boys who were clomping down the stairs. No guilt.
@Lori - Mobic is the prescription stuff for Advil (I take it for a herniated disk I've had since I was 28), so taking Advil on top of it is a no-no.
@Abby - yoga helps the mood stuffs, but rarely the cramps. Happily, they (like most tragedies) come in threes. Since I'm in hell now, next month won't be bad at all. The following month will be tolerable, then another month of sheer hell. It's been on this kind of cycle now for years. Weird, right?
@Becca - WHA? Can you take Tylenol and does that even help? What about Pamprin (lifesaver)?
@Abby - Not bad....I went home same day (last Tuesday) and was back at work today! Can't run a marathon, but can plan a crazy shin-dig right now! And seriously...no guilt on the brownie1 I have three little ones who ALWAYS seem to catch me sneaking a Mint Milano, spoonful of Cool Whip or something else super yummy! No shame!
OMFG to the shoes and the favors. I die!
The shoes are very beautiful. I just can't imagine the price.lol