Removing the Tramp Stamp

I haven't been writing a lot personally these days. I've been posting a lot of pretty pictures and Unfake Weddings and styled shoots. I guess those things are good.

It's been a bit of a veil at times.

The reality is that I feel like I might have writer's block. I feel the pressure to put forth something engaging and meaningful every day on this blog and the reality is that it's just me. No staff. No team of graphic designers or ad folks. Formatting features can be a total time suck. Plucking through Unfake Bride questionnaires can be a massive undertaking, confirming links and fixing grammatical errors (many my own). Don’t get me wrong, I think that stuff is fun, but this blog thing isn't easy. It isn't easy when you feel like there's nowhere to turn for help or that you have to use extreme caution in who and where you turn for help (Blog Land has really amazing people for the most part, but a few bad eggs and experiences…). And sometimes there are just too many place to turn.

I recently did a day's worth of research on a new topic. I was completely overwhelmed. I poked through countless websites and read article after article on how to complete a task that some made sound like a cake walk and others like it's the most complex task ever. I ended up so overwhelmed with the entire subject that I completely shut down. I jumped ship and did a doggy paddle for shore.

I'm starting to feel that way with everything though. The blog. TruLu Couture. The hunt for a “real” job. There is so much to know and so many opinions on what to do and how to do it. I don't know who to believe, who to trust and what resources are reliable. Historically, when I felt unsure about a particular work task, I'd consult a colleague and discuss. Sometimes two of us would consult a third party for even further discussion and understanding. We'd come to a best conclusion and we’d all be the better for it. I miss that. I don't have it. I have a hard time reaching out for help with T30SB or TLC.

I went to a fashion networking function last week and I had 5 different people give me advice on what I should do with TLC. It was exhausting. Yes, I need to get a press packet together for retail establishments. Yes, I know I need to do it. However, I am once again fucking paralyzed by the options and the money it costs to create such things. And when I do things myself, it feels half-assed because I'm not a graphic designer and I end up thinking that my free download from DaFont is so cliché it hurts.

This week? I also applied for a “real” job position that I applied to once before in May. I didn't have a direct contact in May and because no one ever acknowledged the receipt of my resume, who knows whether I was actually even considered? So the same position showed up as open again this week. I figured that the first round didn't result in a new hire so they relisted. I applied, this time directly to the hiring manager since I now had that contact. I spent an entire day crafting a cover letter to them, telling them how precisely qualified I was for the position (and in truth, I am absolutely qualified. Maybe even a bit over). And I mean all day. I got The Candyman to critique. I got a contact at my business placement office to review it. Both made the same suggestions, which I followed by revising slightly. I sent it off on a click and prayer. I got an answer the next day: one line that said thanks for applying, but the position had been filled. In two days. Yeah. I honestly cannot see how that could happen unless they hired from within at the last minute, the listing was a mistake or got sent to me on delay (I'm not believing this, but leaving it open as an option) or they think I’m totally incompetent and just regurgitated a standard sentence of ambiguity. Any of these scenarios just makes me want to pull out my eyelashes and eat my own scabs.

And I think, how can I write happy stuff when all this is going on in my head? How I can be constantly inspired when inspiration is the biggest thing I need? I got a design boost with my trip to Atlanta, but what I'm really needing is the boost that comes with success.

I'll admit that I'm a success whore. I thrive on doing well, making money, getting a promotion, being appointed a team leader or representative. In my networking meetings we take the time to talk about our successes, regardless of how small. These are good for me because it's a time where I can boost my self esteem based on the fact that I sold a $40 hair toy. Gah. I want to sell $400, no, $4000 worth of hair toys. But I have to take the $40 where I can get it and perhaps it will grow and at a speed I'd prefer, dammit.

I feel these things aren't blog worthy. Or write worthy. Or thought worthy. But they keep me from the goal. They paralyze me into the stupid stare of 12 year old boy with his first Hustler.

There are temporary distractions, but none that have been good enough to keep me on a positive track for long. I spiral back into my own self-destructive black hole of suck. Because if 'm not bathing in the glory of success, I am the suck. I'm stupid. I'm fat. I'm careless. I'm lazy. I'm worthless.

I'm told there's a middle ground. Oh yeah?

That place is hard to find when you're stuck in the suck.

___________

I wrote the above on Saturday, word-vomit style. Since then The Candyman and I had a big fight where we totally regressed into our old arguing habits. I fell deeper into the suck. We hashed it out later and really, if we’re going to point fingers, the fault was ultimately mine.

Why? Because the reality is that in times of what I see as great failure in my life have been dealt with solo. I could break down, freak out, stomp, cry, scream, sleep and eat peanut butter out of the jar with my fingers while curled up in a sniffling mess on the couch and watch reruns of Project Runway until my eyes bled.

Nine months of unemployment is starting to take it’s emotional toll. I used to feel confident in who I was and in my ability to learn and do just about anything. That confidence has been sapped and I’m really starting to detest myself.

Because I now have The Candyman in my life, I can’t be that sniffling mess on the couch. I can’t break down. It’s not fair to him. He’s got his own pressures to deal with as the managing partner in a new law firm. He’s doing really well and we are in a lot better shape than many other people these days who are on one salary. For me, this is not about money stresses or the high cost of paying for our own healthcare or watching my 401K jump and fall at the whim of the Congressional numb nuts in Washington. It’s about dealing with an issue that doesn’t just go away (unemployment) and at the same time, being married. Generally, I’m pretty good about walking and chewing gum at the same time. These days, not so much. And I think my lack of self-confidence has oozed its way into different parts of my life without me realizing it. Fuck.

So it all goes back to the beginning. I’ve got to go backwards to move forwards. I have to go back and try to start over in my head. I can’t stomp around in resentment: either in jealousy over my husband’s success or over the fact that it would just be downright rude to freak the hell out every other week and eat all the peanut butter.

Me and The Candyman had some some pretty big hurdles in the past. This one is big too. We’re committed to getting through it, but holy shit it’s hard. Marriage is HARD. I don’t care who says what, it is hard. For me, it’s hard because it’s such a constant re-evaluation of behaviors, ones that I have etched permanently into my soul, like a tattoo. It’s like I got a tacky tribal tramp stamp when I was 27 and now I’m just starting to get it removed. It’s painful, ugly and embarrassing and it might leave a scar.

What pain in the ass, pun intended.

Comments

[Lori]

Just work on the Press Packet and pay to have it professionally done. Bite the bullet. Once you have the packet in physical form, you will feel a lot better.

F**k the rest.

Maybe the Universe didn't want you to get that job because it wants you to do a Press Packet. I believe in TruLu Couture and so should you.

[veronica]

OhmiGOD. Get out of my head. I deal with those same exact things on a DAILY BASIS. I completely get everything you're saying, and so I don't know that I can offer up any advice (since I absolutely don't know what it's like to "be easy on one's self"), but I can say that the only option is to just keep pushing forward. You will be a success. The press packet doesn't have to be AMAZING and no one gives a sh*t where you got your fonts - you just write a press release, put together a pdf of your images and email it out to press contacts. As for selling to boutiques, there's tons of info in the archives on this blog for apparel manufacturers: http://www.fashion-incubator.com/

You are awesome and you will catch your stride again! Oh and p.s. I love the personal posts - those are my favorite. :)

[Katja]

Louise, I don't know you, I just love your writing and I really wasn't sure if I should comment on this post (also because I'm not a native speaker). But I couldn't stop thinking about it. And then I thought that I wanted to tell you this: It's really ok to sometimes envy your husband. It's ok to be cranky because job-wise it's easier for him than for you at the moment. I myself should have been writing my doctoral thesis for the last year and a half. And I really haven't moved forward that much - in contrast to my (newlywed) husband who is going to finish his this fall. And I do envy him, I sometimes despise myself and I doubt myself. At least I still have all the bridal rush because we're having our church ceremony this month (two ceremonies here in Germany) and I'm looking forward to that. But after that I'm going to have to deal with all that work stuff lying around.
So what I want to say: Allow yourself to be cranky and judgemental and a jerk sometimes. I'm pretty sure he knows how to deal with it (although I also don't know him). And then do what Veronica says: Push forward!
I really enjoy your blog and I love your accessories!

(Hopefully not too creepy) fan from Germany

[M.]

I never do this... I never comment. But I just can't help it. Louise, I absolutely have to tell you how amazing you are for letting us into these types of moments. I have nothing but admiration for you, for your blog, and for TLC, and it was honestly surprising to hear that you doubt yourself to this degree. "But," I wanted to splutter, "it's LOUISE! It's the blog I always go to last during any wedding inspiration hunt because I know it'll make me laugh and put things in perspective . . . while still giving me plenty of pretty to bookmark." It's comforting, at least, to know that even successful people like you (and you are high on my list of successful people) struggle with these insecurities and doubts. That said, get over it, honey! You have the background to know (even if you don't feel these things yet, you KNOW) that this is what TLC is going to take. You know starting up a small business from scratch means scary expense, killer hours, and the very real possibility of failure. There was never any way around these kinds of paralyzing moments. They were and are going to happen as you get this stuff together. That's okay. But keep moving through them, lady, because I have dreams of saving up enough moolah to buy something from you for MY wedding next year. So, please, keep letting us into these times--especially these times: it's reassuring and enlightening and always hits just a little too close to home. THANK YOU!

[Joanna]

Ok, I am the one who purchased the $40 hair toy and I LOVE IT. And I wish I could buy a million more. I have referred two people to the TLC website since then. And I will keep on referring. You have a ridiculous amount of talent, and it deserves to be spotlighted. There is a place for TLC in this world... truly. As someone who, at the age of 35, moved in with a man, and is now making less money than when I was 25 years old, for the LOVE OF GOD, I have the urge for curl on the couch, peanut butter days. I am with you. Except, I would be chugging wine with that peanut butter. And as for that job listing, keep in mind they could have been just listing it as a courtesy under labor guidelines, to say it was "openly recruited" when they secretly were going to promote from within and already had their candidate. I have seen this happen many times. Not cute, not fair, but it happens. You took a leap of faith in striking out on your own, and I KNOW you will be rewarded. Already you are getting press, and it will just grow. I am going to pimp you out in Nevada and California. You have a loyal blog readership, and just think! I never would have found you without this blog!!! This is a valuable tool, and just as the commenter said above, who wants to purchase from you next year, your voice and your ideas are what keep us coming! Keep up the good fight!!!

[Sarah]

I want to write something smart and helpful, but i've had writer's block since May. I know how scary unemployment and underemployment are, and I understand how awful it is to feel unappreciated. Just know that the awesome blog people are here to help. You have at your disposal friends who will edit copy and adjust designs to help you make a professional press packet. We're here and we want to see you succeed.

Also, I love your personal posts. Sending you virtual hugs.

[Mom]

All of these really smart ladies have it right. Grit your teeth if you have to, and press forward. "Well said!" to all of you!

[Louise]

Thanks for the amazing words of encouragement here, ladies. The Candyman told me to write again and indeed, the hubs was right. (There. Are you happy now, honey?)
I had a conversation with my friend Michele today and she pretty much said the same thing that y'all did and she's like a professional type persona that actually counsels people on career shit and decision making stuff. She's super smart too, like y'all.
It's all about perspective and getting some. When I'm cooped up all day with only my computer, it's hard to know or feel or recognize anything that I'm doing outside my own little incubus.
There are plans in the works though - to get me OUT OF THE HOUSE!

[Another Emma]

I read the title and thought, hey, she has a horrible tattoo from her teenage years JUST LIKE ME!! Who knew?

And then I read your post and thought, hey, she's a totally normal, smart, go-getting woman having a rough self-doubting moment... JUST LIKE ME.

You are not alone, Louise, but what I love about the blogging world we are part of is that we don't join in and mope, we cheer on and encourage the positive.

So, cheer, cheer!

[Louise]

Gah. How do all you people wear the brave faces all the time? Y'all are so good.

[Jennie]

Not to be a jerk and lecture you, but remember what happened when you couldn't run marathons any more? Something amazing came into your life that changed you forever. I know it's hard to be a Type A, especially since you seem to be the QUEEN of the Type As, but try to relax into your new life a little bit. And stomp around and throw things while he's at work :) I used to throw my hairbrush - highly satisfying.

We all love you and believe in you!

[independent clause]

Brave faces? I have this image that we're all taking time off from fighting our own urges to lay on the couch and sob and drink wine to tell you the thing we want to tell ourselves.

And as a freelancer who pretty much spends most of her time taped to her office chair a few feet from her bed and couch, surfing the internet, working, and worrying, I want to say very loudly get out of the house even if you don't think you want to.