The Candyman Was Right.

So my friend Michele called me on the day I wrote my whining post about how hard every thing is. I thought for a second she’d read it and called to check in with me (as several of my Blog People did, which I so appreciate). Alas, I know she doesn’t read the blog so knew that wasn’t it. (P.S. I find it sort of strange that my very closest friends rarely read my blog though I don’t speak to them on the regular. Anyone else got this going on?)

Then I remembered that I’d called her over the weekend while The Candyman and I were fighting. I wasn’t going to talk to her about the fight because I just don’t do that. Inviting anyone other than The Candyman into any part of my marriage isn’t something I do. However, I did want  to talk about nonsensical girl-things to get my mind off of the fight while I was getting myself a revenge-pedicure (I’ll show HIM! I’m going to step out of my own self-imposed moratorium on pedicures and get one. That will totally show him. Humph!).

Now Michele is a smart cookie. Really smart. I have no idea what she does, but it’s like behavioral management type shit. She used to work for this company where she traveled the US and coached prison wardens on management styles and such. And she’d go to the prisons. I can’t ever imagine this because Michele is the girliest of girls and trying to plop her into a prison setting, pretty much telling wardens what to do is not something I can see in my mind’s eye. Anyway, she has this ability to listen to what someone says about who they are or what they are struggling with and then BLAMMO! she sees straight through to the bullshit and totally calls you on it. It can be unnerving sometimes.

So I told her about how I think I am the suck and unaccomplished and basically feel like a big, fat, stupid cow munching away on my cud all the live long day. She asked me a few questions about how I spend my days, am I exercising (not enough), what kind of groups am I involved it, etc. Really basic, almost job interview types of questions. And then BLAMMO! she says, “Louise, you need to take more time for yourself. You need to do things for you. You need to take this time and enjoy it. You may not ever have it again.”

There are all sorts of feelings of guilt associated with chilling the hell out on the couch all the live long day, or for even an hour or two. That’s just not me. There’s guilt associated with not bringing home the bacon like I once did, versus frying up The Candyman’s turkey bacon like I do now. And The Candyman knows I’ve been infusing his dishes with resentment, a la Like Water for Chocolate style. That’s just rude of me.

But the point of this post is that The Candyman has been saying the exact same shit to me for the last nine months. “Take more time for yourself, honey” he says, and “Why don’t you skip the blog post today?” or “You should look at this time as a once in a lifetime opportunity.” I totally ignore him and consider him a moron. Then other people, including my really smart friend Michele, start saying the same thing and suddenly I start listening.

Why do we do that?

This scenario has happened in the reverse too. I can’t remember the exact issue, but there had been something I was hammering The Candyman over and he simply would NOT listen to me. It was infuriating. Then we went to one of our pre-marital counseling sessions and our therapist said what I’d been saying to him, like exactly and suddenly he’s all, “Oh, I get it!” and I wanted to clobber him over the head with my shoe. Repeatedly.

So why does that happen? Why do we not hear the people who are closest to us? Why does it take outside counsel for us to hear things our partners tell us all the damn time? I mean, our wives and husbands are the people who committed themselves to us: to have and to hold, till death and all that. And are our partners trying to sabotage us? Make us unhappy? Are the trying to give us false hope and fill our minds with bullshit rhetoric? Well, from a simple strategy position, that would be dumb. There’s a lot of wisdom in that horrid saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” Unless I married a complete asshole, there’s no reason why The Candyman would intentionally do anything that wasn’t in my/his/our best interests. And I didn’t marry an asshole. I married the sweet Candyman. He’s got my best interests at heart, yet I fail to see that or truly listen to what I’m hearing from him.

This doesn’t mean that I’ll be taking every damn thing that comes out of his mouth as gospel. Not my style. However, I do think I need to be a better listener. I hear him all the time, I just don’t internalize what he’s saying unless I am super-focused. Most of the time, I am decidedly unfocused because I’m too damn busy worrying about all the shit I’m not, my failures and lack of current accomplishments. This is where I need to practice some basic listening skills. However, it’s hard to push aside the heavy, musty, dirty curtain of your own self-doubt and see that there is an  audience filled with your biggest fans, The Candyman sitting in the center seat of the front row.

The Candyman, basking in the glow of my epiphany,  suggested I write a post about how he was right about all this stuff. So I am. And just to make him feel really good, I’ll admit this too: we totally should have gotten a gas mower. The electric one blows.

Comments

[Mom]

Also consider that these feelings of in adequacy are normal for someone in you situation. I think you are doing quite well at keeping yourself together and motivated. Momentary lapses are ok!

[veronica]

Hmm . . . I like this post. I will maybe start listening to Keith now . . . haha!

[Marie]

Your good friends DO read your blog!! Most of the time ;-)

[GEW]

Yep. Sabbaticals are good for everyone, and if the Candyman supports yours, all the better. You have been working hard and taking care of yourself and others for a LONG time. If you think of it like a sabbatical, then you can focus on those things that nourish you: yoga, reading, nature, and making pretty things. Or you can focus on a big project that you want to do, regardless of income. Sabbatical, baby!

[Louise]

@Marie - I stand corrected!

@GEW - Sabbatical sounds nice.

[Jennie]

The Honey doesn't read my blog anymore, and my mom waits months and then reads all at once. It is very gracious of you to admit that he's right. And obviously the pedicures should now be explicitly approved for regular consumption.

[lyn]

I'm catching up on reading your posts, so please forgive me for the late response. You've got a lot of strength in you, lady, even when it feels like you're faltering. And I think your insight about how we treat ourselves and heal ourselves when we're down for the count is KEY. It's SO much more difficult when you're in a partnership. I think part of what makes it hard to listen to my partner, personally, is that our conversations usually happen at home, on our shared turf. As functioning adults with different needs, interests, and responsibilities, we often tune each other out at home. I mean, here's a person who's always hanging around on the fringes. Much of your "talking" is sprinkled with mundane statements about needing to add dishwashing liquid to the grocery list and what you should make for dinner. What do THEY know about what's really going on with you? They're biased, and busy, and probably just paying you lip service. You can't really trust what they have to say, because they already like you and you don't have to prove yourself to them anymore. That's why when a friend tells me something from way way way outside the sphere of my daily life and routine, it feels more serious and meaningful. And we need that; we need outside influence. But it's important to step back and see your partner as the real continual influence they ARE, too. It's too easy to lose that among the routine.

Thanks so, so much for sharing the personal.